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Iain Connell, Robert Florence Comedic Take On Voice Recognition Devices
Our friend magician and champion public speaker, Ron Melvin also known as Mystical Mel, found this video. We think it provides, in an exaggerated way exactly the level of frustration, “Voice Recognition Hell”, we’ve all likely experienced when dealing with devices designed to recognize speech in order to function…whether telephone prompts for customer service, car phones, lights or even televisions.
We hope you’ll agree …this skit from the popular BBC Scotland comedy sketch show “Burnistoun” is hilarious!
The co-creators of the program, comedy writers/performers from Scotland, Iain Connell, and Robert Florence, show us what could happen when this cutting edge technology is installed in a usually easy to use machine such as an elevator, or lift.
In case, like the elevator, are unable to recognize their speech; they are, after all, speaking English with a Scottish brogue, for your further comedy entertainment enjoyment we have provided below the transcript of the sketch:
[Iain] Where’s the buttons?
[Rob] Oh no, they’ve installed voice-recognition technology in this lift, they have no buttons.
[Iain] Voice-recognition technology? In a lift? In Scotland? You ever tried voice-recognition technology?
[Rob] No.
[Iain] They don’t do Scottish accents.
[Rob] Eleven.
[VOICE] Could you please repeat that?
[Iain] Eleven.
[Rob]Eleven. Eleven.
[Iain] Eleven.
[VOICE] Could you please repeat that?
[Rob] EL-EV-EN.
[Iain] Whose idea was this? You need to try an American accent. “E-leven. E-leven.”
[Rob]That sounds Irish, not American.
[Iain] No it doesn’t! ELEVEN.
[Rob]Where in America is that – Dublin?
[VOICE] I’m sorry. Could you please repeat that?
[Rob] Try an English accent. “Eelevin! Eelevin!”
[Iain] You from the same part of England as Dick van Dyke?
[Rob]Let’s hear yours then, smartass.
[VOICE] Please speak slowly and clearly.
[Rob] SMARTASS.
[Iain] Ee-lev-en.
[VOICE] I’m sorry. Could you please repeat that?
[Iain] ELEVEN. If you don’t understand the lingo, away back home to your own country!
[Rob] Ooo, it’s that talk now, is it, away back home to your own country?
[Iain] Oh, don’t start Mr. Bleeding Heart, how can you be racist to a lift?
[VOICE] Please speak slowly and clearly.
[Rob] Eleven. Eleven. Eleven. Eleven.
[Iain] You’re just saying it the same way!
[Rob] I’m going to keep saying it until it understands Scottish, alright?
[Rob] Eleven. Eleven. Eleven! Eleven!
[Iain] Oh just take us anywhere, ya cow! Just open the doors!
[VOICE] This is a voice-activated elevator. Please state which floor you would like to go to in a clear and calm manner.
[Iain] Calm? Calm? Where’s that coming from? Why is it telling people to be calm?
[Rob] Because they knew they’d be selling this to Scottish people who’d be going off their nuts at it!
[VOICE] You have not selected a floor.
[Rob] Aye, we have! Eleven!
[VOICE] If you would like to get out of the elevator without selecting a floor, simply say “Open the doors, please”.
[Iain] Please? Please?? Suck my wully.
[Rob] Maybe we should just say “please”.
[Iain] I’m not begging that for nothing.
[Rob] Open the doors, please.
[Iain] “Please!” Pathetic.
[VOICE] Please remain calm.
[Rob]Oh! My! God! You wait until I get up there…just wait for it to speak…
[VOICE] You have not selected a floor.
[Rob] Up yours, ya cow! If you don’t let us through these doors, I’m gonna come to America, I’m gonna find whatever desperate actress gave you a voice, and I’m gonna go to the electric chair for ye!
[Iain] Scotland, you bastard!
[Rob] Scotland!
[Iain] SCOTLAND!
[Rob] SCOOOOOTLAND!
[Iain] FREEDOM!!
[Rob] FREEDOM!!
[Iain] Goin’ up?
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