Two Reasons Why John McCain Did Not Win

Monday, November 17th, 2008 @ 1:18 pm | comedy, We Think

We’ve waited to provide our analysis of why John McCain, America’s hero’s hero, maverick, fighting, Republican candidate for POTUS, was unsuccessful.

After listening to people who think they are a lot smarter than we are tell the nation that Governor Sarah the Terrah Palin is to blame for the loss, we have our explanation for why on January 20, 2009 anytime after high noon on that Tuesday whenever the band plays “Hail To The Chief” it will be for America’s first black president and not its oldest curmudgeon.

BTW we think Sarah Palin was a terrible choice for veep, but we do not hold her entirely responsible for the GOP’s failure to capture the White House. Someone had to sign off on her selection for the job.

Reason number 1:

We think good old John McCain could have won if only he’d brought out George Bush and Karl Rove’s secret weapon “Osama bin Laden” to endorse Barack Obama on the eve of the election. We believe this action would have very effectively struck fear in the hearts of voters, and given John the vote. We think it would have been Just as effective as the alleged Rovian dirty trick of saying, during the campaign of 2000, JMack fathered a child with a black prostitute .

All McCain and his strategists had to do was “find” video footage of bin Laden, or his cinematic double, making new threats to do harm by attacking the USA.

Any old video of bin Laden would do. It does not matter what he’s really saying; he’s difficult to understand anyway. They can overdub anything on a voice track.Â Something like” I love Obama” or “Kill, kill, kill America!”Â Then surely John McCain would have been thrust into greatness as our 44th POTUS.

Alternatively he could have started a new career as a film producer of “Osama bin Laden film Productions” also known as “ObL Productions” with John’s Osama saying,Â “I like flame broiled better than fried.” or “When it comes to late night tee vee programming I like Letterman better than Leno.”

Reason Number 2:

John McCain is just plain uglier, a lot uglier.

Have you ever noticed the election usually goes to the more attractive or better looking guy?

What could John McCain have done to fix this problem? Well he could have had a face or brain transplant. He tried most everything else. How NEW. It definitely would have proven once and for all that John McCain wasn’t stuck in the past. John McCain Reborn: in the body of a 20 year old, the advantage of youth and experience.

Consider our presidential races of the past. Ever since TV became prominent the better looking man has usually won.

Bush vs Gore (Bush looked better in those days)
Bush vs KerryÂ Â (Kerry’s face is somewhat twisted.)
Clinton vs Bush (Hands down Clinton)
Reagan an actor vs Jimmy Carter (Some might argue for Jimmy but remember Reagan was a well known, easily recognizable “B” grade actor.)
John Kennedy vs Richard NixonÂ Â (The first TV election where looks really mattered and Tricky Dick was foisted on the petard of his own five, six, seven, eight o’clock shadow and upper lip glistening with sweat.)

The exceptions are: LBJ-hard to lose after an assassination. Nixon 2-After Bobby Kennedy, Sr. was assassinated.

So now you know why the Republicans are dragging up beauty queens for the political contest some pundits in the past have called a “beauty contest”. When they find one with brains they might have a match.